That hole in my heart

Every night, I sit and ponder over the last couple of years. The amount of joy that filled my heart. Tonight, I came across the last time I blogged. I couldn't get past the title without bursting into tears. It was a perfect time for me. I met the love of my life,  and my children were happier than ever. I would skip into work while I whistled. Birds would join in my song. Nothing could upset me because I knew in my heart, that life had a plan for me. I knew deep down, deep down in my soul, that my life and my trials and tribulations led me to Lindsy.

To fill in the last two years, we ran into some problems. Problems in which I caused. But we fought through it. I wouldn't stop fighting for us. Tougher times came upon us September of last year. A lot of people know what happened and I won't go into it. It was the end for us. Something I never thought could happen. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. When I lost her, I lost my desire to love. A giant gaping hole in my heart had emerged and made me feel dead inside. I didn't know if it could be filled again unless it was from her presense. Her love.

At some point, down the road. We started to talk via e-mail. She seemed happy again. My defense was up because she had been through so much. As had I. But eventually we met for lunch. I wanted her to know that I was never mad at her. That I loved her. That I never stopped loving her. We progressed everyday. We talked about things that happened. She explained things that I didn't know what she was going through. We were happy again. That hole was beginning to fill again. I was beginning to feel again.

But a few weeks later, she started to slip away from me again. Maybe all the things from the past came back into her mind? Maybe there was something else I did? I tried to fight for her once again. She wanted nothing of it. My heart withered away once again, and that hole had found its way back.

So here I am, life waiting to begin..... again.

Can anyone fill that hole in my heart? I still believe Lindsy is the only one who can. I still believe my heart was only meant for her. I don't think I could ever come close to loving someone the way I loved her. The way I still love her. Hopefully, in this life or the next, I will find out.

Maybe I never see her again. I can only hope she finds herself eternally happy. I can only hope.

To all those who read this, I can only offer you this advice....

When you love someone, be understanding. Forgive them. Accept their faults and mistakes. You don't need to forget them, but learn from them. Loving is inside all of us and it is a continual learning process. But that process...... It's worth every ounce you put into it.


With loving hope for all of us,

Chris