That hole in my heart

Every night, I sit and ponder over the last couple of years. The amount of joy that filled my heart. Tonight, I came across the last time I blogged. I couldn't get past the title without bursting into tears. It was a perfect time for me. I met the love of my life,  and my children were happier than ever. I would skip into work while I whistled. Birds would join in my song. Nothing could upset me because I knew in my heart, that life had a plan for me. I knew deep down, deep down in my soul, that my life and my trials and tribulations led me to Lindsy.

To fill in the last two years, we ran into some problems. Problems in which I caused. But we fought through it. I wouldn't stop fighting for us. Tougher times came upon us September of last year. A lot of people know what happened and I won't go into it. It was the end for us. Something I never thought could happen. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. When I lost her, I lost my desire to love. A giant gaping hole in my heart had emerged and made me feel dead inside. I didn't know if it could be filled again unless it was from her presense. Her love.

At some point, down the road. We started to talk via e-mail. She seemed happy again. My defense was up because she had been through so much. As had I. But eventually we met for lunch. I wanted her to know that I was never mad at her. That I loved her. That I never stopped loving her. We progressed everyday. We talked about things that happened. She explained things that I didn't know what she was going through. We were happy again. That hole was beginning to fill again. I was beginning to feel again.

But a few weeks later, she started to slip away from me again. Maybe all the things from the past came back into her mind? Maybe there was something else I did? I tried to fight for her once again. She wanted nothing of it. My heart withered away once again, and that hole had found its way back.

So here I am, life waiting to begin..... again.

Can anyone fill that hole in my heart? I still believe Lindsy is the only one who can. I still believe my heart was only meant for her. I don't think I could ever come close to loving someone the way I loved her. The way I still love her. Hopefully, in this life or the next, I will find out.

Maybe I never see her again. I can only hope she finds herself eternally happy. I can only hope.

To all those who read this, I can only offer you this advice....

When you love someone, be understanding. Forgive them. Accept their faults and mistakes. You don't need to forget them, but learn from them. Loving is inside all of us and it is a continual learning process. But that process...... It's worth every ounce you put into it.


With loving hope for all of us,

Chris

It Was Definitely Worth The Wait

A love letter/blog to my beautiful bride to be....

Words cannot express how blissfully happy I am. Since Lindsy has come into my life, my attitude and whole perception of love has been amplified beyond belief. The excitement and joy Lindsy brings to my family has blessed us in so many ways. My children and I, have had to overcome many difficulties over the past four years. My kids longed for someone to have as a mother figure. It was just at a point where they stopped telling me things that were bothering them. "Understand" was a commonly used word. "He just doesn't understand. He doesn't know what we are going through." It was true. My parents have been together for 39 years. I can't imagine how hard this has been on them.

Having Lindsy in their lives restored their hope, their love, and their passion just as much as it has for myself. It brings tears to my eyes, even now as I type this, to picture my son laying on the couch holding Lindsy. Taylor and Jaxon have been seeking love, nourishment and care. They found it in her. I don't think Lindsy knows that she has saved them. Saved them in so many ways, that I could never express to her how thankful I am for her and what she done for them.

Her unconditional love and devotion to her children, to me and my children have made my heart whole again. My days of sadness are in the past. Since coming into my life, she has made tomorrow a day I can't wait for. Our love for each other grows stronger with each passing minute. A new window has opened into our lives. My love for her is endless and I will go beyond all limits to make her happy. There is nobody in this world as perfect as she is.  Her beauty towards life, her sense of humor, her ability to make me want to be the best I could possibly be, has made my heart forever grateful and in her debt.

Lindsy, Babe, my love, my world.... You were definitely worth the wait. Thank you for everything you do for me. Thank you for making my heart, my life, truly worth living to the fullest again.

Yours forever,

Chris

P.S. I love you more than you love me. ;)

Turn off

Lets talk about this shall we. TURN OFFS! The story goes...

I went out a few times with a girl from work last year. We went to a game, we went to a couple of comedy shows and I thought we had a pretty good time. So I liked where it was heading from just two friends having a good time. I will admit that I did like this girl. That's why I asked her out in the first place. Well at some point in a text, I get the I just want to be friends... I am sorry... yada yada... I have heard it before and no big deal. She wants to still be friends. COOL! Well in her eyes, being friends is totally going into full bitch mode with me. Now I don't like saying that... EVER about someone. I was even like "Okay, this is just how she deals with shit. Whatever. I will still be nice and courteous. Maybe she will get over this and we can still hang out, or at least be civil." Remember... Two dates/hangouts whatever you want to call it.

Well, it never got better. She even said at one point I was pressuring her to be friends. Ummmm.... Don't be if you think that? Being nice to you and wanting to still be friends is pressure for you? Woman.... Life is going to be really tough for you in the long run. She is just one of those girls that refuses to grow up.

It's hard for me to put into words my reactions to some of the things she said that should have been like FLASHING LIGHTS. Example: "I always get what I want!" TURN OFF! First thought that came to mind: "Whoa whoa whoa did you really just say that?" But being the nice guy that I am, I was all "Ya sure. I agree. You know what you want. Good for you." But inside I was like "Thank God this didn't work out."

She quit recently and I sent a nice e-mail saying "Good luck with whatever you are going to do. You deserve it."  So after working out today, I find out that this person was talking shit about me to other workers. About what? The fact that I felt I was a gentleman and tried to be nice even after she decided to go full on mute with me. The fact that I sent her a nice e-mail saying good luck. You deserve it. When clearly you don't, if you want to be this type of person. Listen, ladies... I have said this before and I will say it again. Just because I like someone or we go out once or twice, does not mean I have a ring in my pocket within the next couple of dates. I don't know how I even feel about marriage anymore? So don't go full on lying, asshole, drama, shit talkin, attitude douchness with me if it doesn't tickle your fancy after a couple of times out. Trust me, I will get over it and you should too. So no reason to go talk to co-workers just so you can think you look good and make someone else look bad in the process, when its far from reality.

Here is some helpful hints. I don't date much at all. When I do ask someone out, I really really want to get to know this person and you caught my attention. So take this for what it's worth ladies.

1. Obviously, don't go shit talkin or mime when I am around if you "still want to be friends"
2. Don't ever say you get what you want. It makes you look conceited, egotistical and ugly.
3. Don't be disrespectful. Easy one right?
4. Being spiteful, pretentious and vain is generally a red flag.
5. Don't be overly negative. I will always be on your side as a friend or whatever. But don't let it run your life. Let it go. 
6. Smoking is ugly.
7. Self centered is the shits.
8. Have a sense of humor for hells sakes! 
9. Don't prolong things. If you aren't interested. Tell me. I am a big boy. (literally and figuratively)
10. Be a good friend above all else. 

That's my rant. Freakin girls. I swear. 

Peace,

C-Dub

Come and gone

Lets see if I still know how to do this. I haven't blogged for quite some time. I apologize to all three of my readers.

So here is what has been going on. Obviously you all know I promoted a show. I brought in one of my favorite bands Ingram Hill from Memphis Tennessee. It was extremely time consuming, but I loved it. I could definitely see myself doing event planning of some sort. The hard part was dealing with work and sports for my children. Baseball is an every day event. It's practices, games, practices, batting cages, games.... yada. Soccer for my daughter is games, practices, keeper training, games.... yada. Luckily I had an amazing friend come on board to help me out with a lot of it. He was relentless in getting companies to donate for the foundation we had at the show. I would have been lost without his help.

We picked up the guys at the airport and hung out with them for awhile. Lead singer Justin Moore is a very cordial, kind and funny guy. He can carry on a conversation with anyone and you feel like you had been friends forever. Phil Bogard (lead guitar) is a little bit more laid back at first. But the more you get to know him, he is a hilarious!

The hardest part of the night for me was having to get up on stage and talk about why I did the show. I wanted someone from the foundation there so I would't have to. Unfortunately there were other things that arose and I had to take the reins. I felt like the priest in Spaceballs. I gave them the condensed version compared to my youtube video. So basically it was "Do you? Do you? You're married!"

The show went off without a hitch... and without the crowd. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the people that did show. Unbelievably grateful! The people that did come said they loved both bands and we did a great job. We raised over $2000 for the foundation. Which was the main reason for the show. To make a difference. But for some reason.... For some unexplained reason, I cannot get over the fact that I just didn't get the support from my family and friends that I thought I would get. Just for the cause alone. Maybe because it's me? Sometimes I think I am more liked than I actually am? In any case, with this event being the first benefit for the foundation, I would think I could get more support from the company. Maybe some more of the higher ups would be there? Maybe my friends thought I was in it for the money? I wasn't. I never intended on making an extra penny. It was going to be donated. I don't want anyone to think I am mad at anyone. I know people can't make it for such and such reason. I am more just disappointed in the lack of support from everyone. Not one individual. I have had a hard time getting over that. I talked to one of my VP's that did show up and she was kind. She told me that I raised a lot of money for the foundation and you did all you could. It was comforting to hear that. But someone tell me why I still feel this way?

On the plus side, I was able to stand next to a beautiful, smart, talented woman for most of the show. Multiple times I was asked if she was my date for the night? The answer was "YES...Yes she is." Kidding. I said "No... I wish." But for a night, it was fun to dream. So now it's back to reality. Work, kids, clean, sleep, repeat. I do want to say, that I truly and deeply appreciate all that supported me for the show. It was something I will never ever forget.

Talk to y'all on the flip

C-Dub

Can't put my finger on it

So I have been having fun lately on facebook and Twitter with dating jokes. Clearly people should know I am joking.... Mostly.

I can't think of a worse thing to do at my age then start dating. While I had been going out earlier in the year, I have just stopped completely. Women are so afraid of the fact that I am a single full time Dad. Maybe I portray that I will have a ring for you after three dates? Either way, it is obvious it would be more like four or five. No, no I kid. Lets just go out on a date and talk about our future and what our kids would look like. One (married) person told me I had the life. Basically saying I was man whoring all the time. Which made me feel inclined to give him a hug and say thank you as I wept.

In all honesty, I am just bad at it. So why not joke about it in the process. Maybe its my picky eating habits? Cheeseburger ketchup only please. Maybe its the fact I talk about me a lot? Whats not to talk about. I live an exciting life. It could be the contract I have the ladies sign before the date saying it will end in meaningless sex. The point is people.... I just can't put my finger on it.

Maybe I will start changing my signature on my e-mails to say I love you. You never know, I could get a hit? Then things could really heat up. Women don't realize, I have an amazing high five. They think about my high fives at the end of dates for weeks. Oh ya... If someone comes to my cubicle to collect from this blog, just assume its normal that I work with my pants off.

Well I am off to go be not married and blissfully happy in my bed with my pillow. Its the best you know. You just lay there in the pitch black dark and realize... DAMN I look good in this light.

Everyone have a good weekend. If you see me, hold me and ignore the pet names I give you right away.

I love you

C-Dub

Under The Influence

I honestly didnt know what to expect? One of my favorite comedians Marcus was doing this one time show where he did impressions of singers. I was a bit concerned based on the fact that musicians have unique voices. How is he going to do this? Well he did it. I am not going to give a thing away just incase something gets done with this. But he killed it. I couldn't believe the vocal range he had and he isn't even a singer. If he gets a chance to get this out to the public, I would definitely let everyone know to check it out. I am not going to lie, I am extremely jealous with people that have this much talent. I am happy for Marcus for finally getting a crack at this. He should be proud. He did it justice. If it for some odd reason happens again and I post about it, get your tickets!!!

Humbled

My father asked me Sunday night why I have been so charitable this year. I just ignored him because I don't like to vocally talk about things for some reason. Well here is my reason...

I am humbled. The past year and a half has been difficult for my family. My parents to be exact. Last year my Dad had heart surgery and then had to handle prostate cancer as soon as he had recovered. It was a difficult time for me since he has been my best friend my whole life. Not knowing about this type of cancer, I broke down the minute I heard. Luckily I have caring friends at work. Things went really well for him and he had been doing great until his stint caved and had surgery again for his heart. Thankfully my pops is old school and tough as nails.

Recently my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. If there is one person in the world that doesn't deserve this, it's her. Words cannot express how amazing she is. When she was young, she had to give up dancing and get an artificial hip. She was in a body cast for months. Since then, she has had to endure that aspect of her life since she was a teenager. Not being able to do certain things with her kids, activities she enjoys, etc. She also has Meniere's Disease, which is basically having vertigo the rest of your life. With all of this, she never stopped being positive. She never stopped being the sweet honest person I know and love. With the latest news, I couldn't help but think...Why her? She has a reserved spot in heaven, this I am sure of.

So with all of this happening, I am simply humbled. Humbled in the fact that life is precious. Things can be taken away from you at any moment. I am not looking for any personal gain. I am not a doctor. I can't help my mom or dad with any of these things. I can't help anyone with these types of problems. So I sat back and refocused on what I could do to help others. I will always be around to help someone out with a broken heart or someone who just needed to vent and take it out on someone, but I needed to step it up. I just want to be someone who is helping change the world. One act of kindness at a time. I hope you all can join me in trying to do more.

I have a facebook friend that started a page to post things on for charities and also for you to just know what is out there give a lending hand. It was a great idea and I love her for it. So go to this page, like it and stay informed on making a difference in peoples lives.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/United-Community/304933469527303

Thanks everyone for thoughts and prayers when I need them most.

Remember... Everyone is beautiful

C-Dub